This was the checklist I had for you, my child.
10. I’m gonna live long enough to see your kids... even if it kills me waiting.
09. I’m gonna be the last one you hug before leaving after getting married.
08. I’m gonna pretend to be angry when you finally tell me you’re in love with a boy... but we both know you’re telling me because “we” need to convince your dad.
07. I will be the one you call when your friends are behaving like bitches. I’ll convince you they ain’t bitches. They’re ‘hos. ( I’ll explain that term to you once you turn 15 17 21 )
06. I will not cry when you say you wanna go to the mall with your friends instead of me. But don’t look at me if I accidentally iron a hole in your favourite t-shirt. Hey, you’re the one who wants to give up the ‘old stuff’ for ‘new kids.’ I mean stuff... new stuff.
05. You will be the white flag of truce I use whenever your dad and I get into a fight.. There goes your social life, kiddo.
04. I will train you to rat out your elder sister whenever she tries to fool me. Beware. She’s a smart cookie. But we’re smarter, right ? Right !
03. I will not cry when I see you crying cause you’re hurt. But if I do, I hope you’ll comfort me. I may need it.
02. I will spend every minute after your dad leaves for work doing only thing : teaching you to say “MAMA.” So help me God, if you say ‘DADA’ before ‘MAMA’, there’s gonna be hell to pay. Not for you, sweetie. I’m talking to God.
01. I will crib about how your crying keeps me awake all night. But I will spend the whole night worrying if I don’t hear your voice either. You’ll understand this when we reach point number 10 above and call me in the middle of the night asking if you were as big a pain in the ass as my grandkids are.
Of all the things in this list, the one thing I never expected to be cutting off were the words at the top of our list. Your name.
They tell me you were dead before you were born. They would know. They’re doctors. We have to believe them, you and I.
But I’m your mother. And I need you to know some things too.
I loved you. The very moment I knew you were inside of me, I fell in love with you. It didn’t matter to me whether you were a boy or a girl, a kicker or a fat baby, whether you’d end up a loafer or a scholar... I would have loved you unconditionally. I had our lives planned out the moment I heard of you, as you can see.
I dreamt of what you would look like, how you’d feel beside me, how cute you’d look asleep. I looked forward to showing you off to everyone, dressing you up, feeding you flying rice balls like my mother used to, picking you up from school and sitting beside you watching cartoons. I wanted to be the first voice you woke up to and the last voice you heard before you slept.
I needed to tell you this because no matter what anyone says, the truth is, for this brief period in time, you were a part of me. And I need you to realise that, having dreamt a life with you in it, now I feel, both physically and emotionally, that I’ve lost a part of myself. And the thought of not having you in my life is destroying me more than I could tell you.
Yours forever,
Amma.
Author’s note :
You know who you are. This post is dedicated to you and the child you lost before you even knew him/her. And it hurts to feel your pain.
You have been a big part of my life during my school days and I have often admitted openly that you have played a major role in helping me become who I am today, just by being you when I was (am still) a dork. Distance and time doesn’t change the fact that you’re one of the few people I’d trust openly with my heart any day of the year. I need you to know that there is a reason for everything. No words can heal this pain right now. This post was never meant to try to heal you – it was to remind you of who you are :- a loving, caring, mischievous, wonderful person who must not allow this to overcome you.
You may have lost someone you wanted to love. But have you considered the reverse : that child was blessed because s/he spent her entire life knowing she was loved ?
