Hometown blues - the hunt begins

Dr Roshan Radhakrishnan
33
I'm back in the land of loons and bore.. sorry, I meant 'looms and lores' as my hometown is famously known. And in between the weekly hartals ( since bandhs are illegal... ), there's been more of the usual... and some unusual stuff too.

Chapter 1 - Job hunting
This was pretty much along expected lines, really. One of Kerala's most prestigious hospitals put it this way.
"You will have to work 118 hours with two 18 hour straight shifts a week. The work you will have to do is worth Rs 1.5 lakh a month. We will pay you Rs 40,000. Take it or leave it. Remember, it's a great thing to work for us."
Amazing. Guy tells us he's buying us for 1/3rd the price, promises to use us for ridiculous hours and still makes it sound as if he's doing us a favour. Even more ridiculous - a good chance we'll be taking up the job.

Sigh.. I swear, if my kids do drugs - I'll admonish them. They have a 100 boyfriends - I'll pretend to be a modern dad. They become Las Vegas burlesque dancers - I'll be proud of them ( and take down their galpals' numbers ). But if they try to join the medical field - by God, there'll be a honour killing, I tell ya !!

Chapter 2 - Fortune Hunting
No trip home ( atleast not my home ) is without the usual trip to the astrologers. It seems like since I was a kid, I've been walking around Godmen and astrologers and temples ( and when taking a break from the above, el God woman )

Well, the new guy's predictions after checking my horoscope were along expected lines -
Oh !! I can see he is in the medical field ( my mom mentioned it to him 2 minutes ago. ), his time suggests his studies will be over by July ( my mom mentioned that to him 2 minutes ago ) and that he will be working in the South region ( my mom mentioned that to him 1 minute ago... I really should consider duct-taping her mouth ! )
To be fair - he did have one original, accurate prediction - "seeing his horoscope, I can see he's fond of food." Now whether that was because my stars were in Jupiter or because his plastic chairs were groaning under my sumo weight, you decide.
Anyway, to get rid of some left over bad luck ( I had sacroiliitis, sciatica, a fractured arm and swine flu in 10 months and he says there's left overs !?! ), I have to 'do the roll' at Guruvayur. Wow. If I roll along the ground at the temple, there isn't gonna be the need for a road roller after that, what with me flattening the entire pathway. Oh well.. my parents said they wanted their son to be a big doctor - they should've specified they didn't mean weight-wise.
Personally, I think I'd have chosen Paul, the octopus who's accurately predicted Germany's course through the World Cup as my astrologer of the month. I wonder if he does house calls ?

Chapter 3 - Girl Hunting
Of course, I still very much plan on releasing the 'definitive compatibility' list for couples at my soon to be released Youreallywannamarryme.com ( funds will be gratefully accepted and appropriately misused . ) But till then, I'm stuck hunting for a girl for my brother and myself, I presume, now that Kim Kardashian has dumped me for another ( A moment of mourning, guys. Girls, if you do not sneer and go "ewww", that'll be good enough. )

As usual, so many things come into the equation when the elders go bridehunting - girl should be of the same caste, same creed, same religion, same species... talk about being picky. She should be homely but modern, wheatish but fair, an extrovert when she's not an introvert and have light coloured eyes which match her jet black hair. She should know to make a Kerala parota, a Calicut halwa and a Tellicherry chicken biryani while not compromising even a moment on her job ( Unless she's the CEO of a multinational company - then she should quit her million dollar salary and become a dutiful housewife and change the diapers. )

Seriously, Women's 'Day' ? That's it ? There oughta be a WOMEN'S MONTH to cope with the mental trauma of going through this kinda nonsense.

As for me and my co-pg R, we've no worries. We're the highest class of Kerala ( Coconut climbers, remember ? How much higher can it get than the top of the coconut tree, guys ?? ) and we've decided we're gonna find our respective brides the old fashioned way.. climbing up coconut trees and knocking girls walking on the roadside with coconuts.. then drag them back to our cave..sorry, I mean home.
[ P.S. The story we've released in Pune does involve us climbing coconut trees to win the girl's affection and convince her parents of our worthiness.. so any fellow coconut climbers / sane Keralites reading this, Shhh.. just go with the story for now. ]

Epilogue :
My buddy messages telling me his 2 year old kid gets irritated when he tries to change the channel to Nat Geo or Animal Planet. The kid loves watching the exercise machine commercials in the "teleshopping network" apparently.
Well, frankly, what's not to love - you got hot women in tights sweating it out. Frankly, I'm proud of that kid. Way to go, junior. Show daddy the right channels. Can't wait for that kid to start asking daddy to share his 'bird and the bees' video collection.

That's it from here. Have a great week everyone.

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33Comments

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  1. I am laughing out so loud! Amazing post! :)

    All the best doc - for girl hunting and the 'Guruvayur rolling'. I am sure lord will shower his mercy (without being stingy) on you! :P :P

    I have a cousin too, who is big time into girl hunting, who once bluntly told a girl, whom he met for the first time, "Setting the expectations: you should not shy away from having a few drinks during get-togethers with my friends; at the same time you should drape kacheepuram saree and shud have flowers on ur hair while we attend a family function".

    Never he got to see the same girl; and I wonder if the girl too stopped the "guy seeing" episode forever!

    I reminded him, "hello... welcome back to God's Own Country!"

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  2. lol! best line of the post -

    Seriously, Women's 'Day' ? That's it ? There oughta be a WOMEN'S MONTH to cope with the mental trauma of going through this kinda nonsense.

    i completely agree!! :D hehe...anyways all the best with ur girl hunting & the new job! :)

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  3. Hey., nice one... I did told u on day one of ur vacation to start job hunting..anyways all r waiting for parties. Get some pocketfull of money ...

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  4. Shalini.. thanks .. I'm more worried about the rolling right now.. done it 5 times before.. that was when I was just looking like a balloon.. not like a beach ball like right now !!!

    Sunshine, thanks.

    Sir, have already deposited cash in two banks and am opening the old share trading reserves as well :)

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  5. You need to write caution on top of your posts!

    I was sitting in office and doing intermittent spurts of laughs with people looking at me through half open eyes!

    PS: Why not have some toddy when on top of coconut trees and then aim better at girls! ;)

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  6. LOL a hilarious post as usual :)
    All the best for rolling, climbing n hunting :)

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  7. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaa...too good radha..cant stop laughing..hahahahahahaa...

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  8. Aathira, will definitely take ur advice into consideration.. the toddy bit, not the WARNING label.. why waste a good opportunity??

    Dhanya, NRI, thanks..

    Priya, cheh !!! My reputation you'll destroy ( as usual !!! ).. in blog world I am "the GREAT Dr ROSHAN" ( Blowing of trumpets ) ... who is this 'radha' ?? You may call me the AMAZING Dr Roshan or even HIS HIGHNESS Dr Roshan.. I don't mind.
    ( Please.. I'll buy both mother and daughter Lindt chocolates.. )

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  9. radha dats a gud one...............dono woorry wen u climb coconut treeit vil bend to its max n u vil bb on ground nly............it too cant bear ur weight.................

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  10. haha.. Vatsa, I was seriously gonna add that joke myself.. then thought I'll stop withw what I'd written :)

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  11. Doctor... I will pray for you, to get you a good bride ;)

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  12. ROFL.. amazin post... enjoyed it

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  13. Great post! And you earn 1000 brownie post for this one line- 'Seriously, Women's 'Day' ? That's it ? There oughta be a WOMEN'S MONTH to cope with the mental trauma of going through this kinda nonsense.' ;)

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  14. Sweta, thanks...

    Dr Chandra.. glad u enjoyed it.

    Arpita, I hope these 1000 points are not like the points in "whose line is it anyway" :)

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  15. all the best for you girl hunt and job hunt doc!


    hilarious post!

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  16. Hehe!!! Good one doc!!!
    I have heard somebody telling about a specific hospital in your place where they won't let you resign!!

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  17. Thanks Aparna

    Rohan, really.. havent checked any like that yet.. but I wouldnt be surprised.. the rules mad by the hospitals are pretty ridiculous

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  18. gud one man .... njoyed reading it

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  19. You have been tagged :)

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  20. How are you so sure that you are going to have girl kids only ??

    'I can see he's fond of food ??' - this prediction is probably said only to you first in the history of astrology :D (I have never heard it said before)

    I thought marriage market was simple. More money you make, hotter girl you get :P

    "Knocking women with coconuts and
    dragging them to caves" - Ha Ha ha!

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  21. Hee.. good one.. My mom usually have a weekly appointment with the astrologer.. n I wonder how quickly can a 2 weeks of Gajakesari can suddenly turn into kandaka shani.. and these predictions are done by the same person.. so to hell with them.. with the girl hunting part.. well its better to go hunting than be "haunted" ...

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  22. Vivek, Thanks man..

    Dhanya, will be taking it up shortly.. it's been a long long time since I've done a tag..

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  23. Quakeboy.. you're right. I should keep my options open. If it's a guy, it'll have to be car thief and drug smuggling :)

    As for my unique astro predictions - my dear friend, having been a regular here, what makes you think there's anything NORMAL about my life !!??

    The 'more money hotter babe' theory shd hold good for the cream of society.. not for the weeds of the garden :(

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  24. Meety... You're telling me. I'm now scared whenever an astrologer (or a Godman) says my good time is starting. Whenever they've said that, the worst times of my life have started !!!

    As for girl hunting, lots of time since my brother has to get married first.. till then, I can practise the Thiyya tradition :) aka climbing coconut trees and aiming at girls !!

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  25. Being an M.D yourself, I hope you will not have difficulty finding a girl, you may not need to climb a coconut tree after all.

    Being said that, it's always good to know how to climb a coconut tree, it may help you after marriage :wink:

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  26. Joshi, thanks man for the tip.. will come in handy Im sure

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  27. Hahahahaha.. I was laughing out load at pretty much every line of this post. Loved it!!

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  28. ROFL after reading. The mallu in me so identifies with this! Joy-o-joy reading your posts, like always i must say! Though i have been away from blogging and following your blog for a while now (blame on studies..sigh!), i am back and what a fun post to start with :)

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  29. Oh my Oh my!!! What a funny post!!!! "Wow. If I roll along the ground at the temple, there isn't gonna be the need for a road roller after that, what with me flattening the entire pathway"
    ROFL !!!!!!

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  30. Arps.. glad u liked it :)

    Anusha, how is studies going ?

    Anita, thanks..

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  31. Thanks for leaving me the link. That was down right hilarious. Yeah, my experience is also bordering alng those lines when o actually think about it.
    And I was laughing like a acrazy gurl.Thnkfully I was at home..:P

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  32. glad u liked it.. been through ur site.. it's lovely !

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