The God complex

Not many people get the chance to save someone’s life, let alone save a lot of lives on a regular basis the way we doctors do. And when you bring someone back from the dead, it’s an unimaginable feeling of pride, elation and yes, over time, you develop a God-complex. This post is about that feeling. It’s about being part of a miracle... and as always, it’s a bit about God’s guest appearance.
I knew it was gonna be a long day the first time I came across Vikas. He was being shifted out of the operation theatre into the ICU directly. The previous night he’d been a victim of a road traffic accident. A hit and run. Just another 20 year old crossing the road on his way back to his hostel. Our college hostel.

The kid ( for at 20 years, that was all he really was ) was a mess. His head was clean shaven and disfigured, a part of his skull having being placed in his thigh to prevent further pressure to his damaged brain. His spleen , torn during the accident had been removed. So had a part of his damaged liver. He’d lost more than half his body’s blood in those 6 hours. The neurosurgeon who operated on him gave him no chance of survival. He was comatose and in shock, requiring a ventilator, a dozen blood transfusions and endless drugs to keep him alive.

Over the next 9 days, we got to know his father well as he stayed by his son’s side. His mother was in another hospital in their hometown, admitted with shock after hearing the news. His father got to meet his friends and professors. He also got to meet his son’s girlfriend for the first time. He didn’t mind. She was as much a part of Vikas’s life as he was. As docs, we had all the hospital specialists look in on him. Everyone had an opinion on what should be the next step. Everyone’s opinion was noted. Everyone’s opinion was followed whether it was scientific healing of infections, numerical settings of ventilators or just heartfelt placement of music over his ears in case he could hear, but not respond. When the specialists weren’t looking in on him, the residents were monitoring him in shifts 24 hours a day even as nurses bathed, fed, cleaned and shaved him.

On Day 7, the miracle began. The kid no one gave any hope to was weaned off all cardiosupportive drugs. His heart was supporting his body now all by itself.

On Day 11, this kid with his skull in his thigh, opened his eyes. It was as if he had been asleep all along. He had minimal power over his left limbs, a sequelae of the accident. He could mouth words, but not speak them because of the tracheostomy which had been done in view of the prolonged respiratory support.

On Day 12, he developed a lung infection. We whipped it’s ass in 4 days. Aggressive management was the keyphrase in all our minds. Because this kid with the misshapen head was working overtime to stay alive. We knew he had it in him to do it. He’d been through the darkness. He just needed us to get him past the last hailstorms and into the light. Vikas was the conversation starter in many a doc’s greeting in those days.

By Day 14, he had enough power to lift his right hand and scratch his head. An everyday occurrence for you and me. A moment we doctors laughed about with pride that evening over coffee.

By Day 17, Vikas was bored of his walkman. You would be too, if you had to listen to it during all your waking hours. He was too weak still to stay awake for long periods, but we needed to keep him stimulated during those few waking hours, be it 3am or 5pm. A doctor’s laptop was procured. We filled him up on what’s been going on in the world. His girlfriend gave us advice on his favourite actresses and we got her movies. His girlfriend held his hand throughout his waking hours in a way that only love can allow and society can frown upon. His dad was there through it all, willing his son to ‘become the miracle’.

By Day 19, we removed his ventilator support. Vikas’s lungs, heart and brain were now strong enough to take him through. His body would pull through with adequate nourishment. The neurosurgeon who operated on him told him he had done the impossible. We celebrated like kings after a victorious siege that night.

On Day 22, we took Vikas out of the ICU for an hour. We pushed his bed around the hospital and the gardens, 3 docs in attendance beside him in case of any event. We filled him in on the raunchy jokes we had and rejoiced in his half smile.

On Day 25, at 5 am, Vikas gestured for a pen and paper. The surgery resident present in the ICU got him one. Vikas wrote for the first time since the accident. He wrote 6 words that would break our hearts.

THANK U FOR SAVING MY LIFE.

The resident held onto the paper to show it to us later that morning.
Vikas went into cardiac arrest at 6am that morning.
He was placed back on the ventilators, the cardiac drugs et al. His head, which should have been sunken where the skull wasn’t there, was tense as bone with the bulging brain. His eyes were still, unresponsive to light and touch.
Vikas was declared brain dead 13 hours later.

Through his father’s anguished looks, the endless tears of a bereaved girlfriend and scores of friends, we stood still. We didn’t flinch. 20 doctors. And not one tear. We couldn’t afford it. They needed us to support them now, to give them the words of encouragement which would not heal the pain, but would atleast keep them going for now. Even later, when we saw Vikas’s last message to us, we didn’t lose it. We held firm. But we talked. We talked a lot that midnight over coffee. About miracles and how elusive they are; how everything you work for can come shattering down in a minute... and about a stranger we all turn to for help. A stranger who often never turns up, knowing fully well we take even his absence as a sign of a ‘greater good.’

People say God works in mysterious ways. Is that really true, I wonder ? Or is God just as selfish as you and me ? We all know he’s got all the power in the universe and then some. Isn’t it possible that this omnipotence has gone to his head – and he’s turned mean and sadistic towards us lesser beings? Isn’t it possible, that having written the script for endless number of people since the beginning, God’s gotten bored and is now having fun at our expense, watching us plea-bargain for a better life everyday in front of his idols and symbols?

If it had not happened to us, I would have dismissed this story as a scene from a typical drama-queen movie. A note from a survivor thanking us docs for saving him , followed by his death, in a guy who showed all the signs of a miraculous recovery. But it did happen to us. And there is no getting past that.
Vikas is gone.. the ICU has his last words in a separate folder. When I think of it, I wonder how if things had ended differently, we’d have all fought for rights to that sheet ; for photocopies to remember the kid by. Now, it’s a paper that cuts worse than a sword.. it’s a paper noone wants because of the memories; the number of times we saved him, stayed awake for him, joked with him in a month, taking him out of hell’s door ... only for someone to take him back from us, when the war was over.

Fellow doctors ask “Wasn’t God in the healing process of the miracle ?” I ask back “Wasn’t God behind the steering wheel that hit him and sped off leaving him to die ? Wasn’t God behind the cardiac arrest that took him away again after we had got his body functioning again bit by excruciating bit ?” An only child taken away from his parents not once, but twice in the span of a month.This wasn’t Gods handiwork... this was the work of a sadist. A sadist who broke our spirits in the cruelest way possible. Who didn’t even give us a chance to savour these words of gratitude of a person for whom a score and more doctors worked round the clock, 24/ 7 for nearly a month.

People say we docs carry a God complex. Just because we heal or alleviate pain and suffering, we tend to think of ourselves as equal to God. We grow haughty, proud and arrogant. We think the world revolves around us. That patients live and breathe on our every word and must follow everything we advice them if they want to get better. That we revel in their suffering as it allows us to show our dominance in this field.

I know that applies to a lot of doctors. We’re an arrogant lot, we are. But you know what? It applies to a lot of Gods too. Infact, all the Gods I know. All are as guilty of the above ‘God complex’ as we humans in white coats. And it’s not allright to say ‘Hey, I’m a God. I’m allowed a God complex.’ Not when you’re God – impartial, compassionate, caring, loving, perfect? Where has all this gone, Big Guy? Weren’t you supposed to be THE role model for us all? How can you be so cruel? So unjust? So... HUMAN?

I’m afraid. Because, while the big shiny car running the world still belongs to God, there’s someone else in the driver’s seat these days. Someone new. I’ve seen his handiwork up close. And I don’t like what I’ve seen. He isn’t separating saint from sinner and he sure as hell isn’t playing fair.
There’s someone up there who’s been left in charge of our fates.

And Heaven help us, he’s got a God complex.

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Help, me mateys

I'm considering buying a mp3 cum video player. And I'd love to hear your opinions on what you think is good? I'd actually had my eye on the Creative Vision series, but my bro's advised me to check out the Itouch as well. As always, indecision is the keyword here so I'd appreciate anyone steppin in with their experiences or personal reviews.

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Tagged by D Rat !!!

No surprise here. I’m a sucker for tags and this one by Rat was something different.. more personal I felt.

1. If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?
I’d probably forgive her once.. but if it occurs again, it’s bye bye baby. The old ‘ fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.’ thing.

2. If you can have a dream come true, what would it be?
Toooooooo... fall in love, make a whole lotta cash, give my parents a luxurious house, buy a golden retriever, publish Godyears: the novel, have a blonde secretary named Crystal, time travel and tell George Bush senior to abort the child, scuba diving, discover the Loch Ness monster... and marry the girl of my dreams. Yes, I have long dreams.

3. Whose butt would you like to kick?
Fanatics and Chauvinists. Fanatics more than Chauvinists.

4. What would you do with a billion dollars?
Knowing me, I’d probably keep a million bucks and give the rest to my parents and bro and say ‘this is for toleratin’ me the way u have all these years and paying for everythin I own in my life today. Oh ya, and Ruby would get her own doggy bone collection with a really slow cat she can chase around.’

5. Will you fall in love with your best friend?
I don’t recommend it. Doesn’t mean I haven’t, just sayin I don’t recommend it.

6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
Loving someone.. seriously I know this is true. You love someone, even if from afar and you can actually see them prosper. Though it would be nice to feel loved exclusively by someone too. Riya Sen and Elisha Cuthbert, I hope you’re listening.

7. How long do you intend to wait for someone you really love?
I can wait a long time... as long as there’s no movie gonna start and she’s STILL busy doin her makeup!!!

8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
I’d hold a candle for her for awhile... but then I’d move on. Thinking Que sera sera...

9. If you like to act with someone, who will it be? your gf/bf or an actress/actor?
What if my gf is an actress ? Sigh.. if dreams were horses, eh ? I’d go for an actress... once the movie’s a superhit, the gfs will come ( or superflop even, if u look at Saawariya. What say, Ranbir ? )

10. What takes you down the fastest?
Seeing a stray puppy on the street and knowin I cant do anything for it.. its a sick feeling.

11. How would you see yourself in ten years time?
Successful doc, same old band of friends, a lovin wife.. and finally, some free time to spend with her rather than being at the beck and call of hospitals.

12. What’s your fear?
As any doc will verify – killing a patient with an overdose of stupidity – my stupidity.

13. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
Sweetheart and funloving.. then again, I don’t know her. So Rat, you’re gonna have to confirm that. Remember, honesty is golden.

14. Would you rather be single and rich or married but poor?
I think married and poor... it’s a phase.

15. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?
Sigh and wish I was somewhere else. Its another monotonous work infested day.
16. Would you give all in a relationship?
I already have. I still will.

17. If you fall in love with two people simultaneously, who would you pick?
I’m bad at choosing. Ideally, I’d look at who I’d pick and then pick the other girl.. cos ( did I mention this ) I’m bad at choosing. I could miss the winning lottery even if I bought 999 out of 1000 tickets. So 1 out of 2 girls is impossible odds for me.

18. Would you forgive and forget, no matter how horrible a thing someone has done?
No. I thought I could, many times I have... but somethings, I found, are beyond forgiveness.

19.Do you prefer being single or having a relationship?
I wish I were in a relationship. I miss the joy of being in love, of having someone who cares and loves me, inspite of me being the nut I am. Someone who knows I mean it when I tell her I love her.. and feels the same way. Just the joy of loving someone and knowin she loves ya back... you know ?

As always, this tag is free for anyone who wants to take it. Just tell me you took it so I can check out your answers.

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You, me and a cuppa kappa chips

That’s right. Grab a handful of kappa chips and that coconut water. Have a pappaddum. Sit down. Lay back and relax. And let me tell you a story. Let me tell you why we’re celebrating this week.


Eons ago, even before the ‘once upon a time’ time, there was this dude called King Mahabali. Dude was a demon king, but a kind hearted and all round good guy, nevertheless. Now, the Gods really couldn’t stand that Mahabali kept winning the ‘Mr Popularity’ contests year after year ( Rumour has it that his answer in the question round back in the 2008 B.C. contest for the ‘What qualities do you look for in a woman’ had quite a few apsaras and even Mrs Indra in heaven fantasising about a one night stand with this dusky Keralite hunk. )
Anyway, Lord Vishnu, Protector of the Universe ( there was no Danger Mouse back then ) was called on again to don the greasepaint, this time around as a dwarf Brahmin ( the other Gods felt he was finally ready to enact a full time human role after his previous performances as fish, boar and tortoise had received rave reviews and even a Golden Globe nomination). So he landed in front of M-Balls and said he wanted 3 feet of land. But before M-balls could get his measuring tape, Vamana ( for that was his name in this dwarf role ) said he meant 3 of his feets length. ‘Sure’, chuckled Bali.


Never laugh at a dwarf Brahmin.
Vamana suddenly started inflating and enlarging and before M-balls could say ‘Holy chemeen curry’, Vamans placed one foot on heaven and the second on Earth. He then asked Bali where to take his third step.
“Yende talailla vechoda, naiyandamone !!!” (It loosely transalates to “Kindly place it on my head, oh son of man’s best friend.”, though I may have tampered with the emotions of the sentence.)
Vaman’s did as he was told and M-Balls was sent down to the nether lands ( that’s hell, by the way and should not be confused with Netherlands, where you get dope and blonde girls legally aka heaven !! )


Anyway, every year he resurfaces for 10 days and we do the boogie to celebrate how no matter how hard you try, you can’t keep a damn Mallu down .
I hope the puttu and kadala curry was to your liking. Shobha will bring in the fried Nongal (ladyfish) shortly. So where was I ?
Yes, of course. That, my friend, is why Onam is celebrated in Kerala with such pomp, fervour and joy. It is also, learning from his example, the reason why Mallus strictly follow the ‘Do not use your head in times of anger’ rule. Besides, why should we ? One upswing of our lungis is enough to have the world at our feet... begging for mercy.


Still, isn’t it funny how 2 (Remember the Parushu ) out of 9 Vishnu avatars feature us Mallus in prominent roles ? 2,did I say ? I meant 3, of course. Oh, didn’t you know ?


This one took place much later on. Sita was in Sri Lanka, Ram and his army were there too, on visit visas to get her back after the ‘rangoli powder circle will keep demon away' fiasco and the monkeys tummies really weren’t getting along with the seafood there. In between all this, Ram’s kid bro Lakshmanan got shot by a poisoned arrow. Guess what ? The antidote was waaay back in the Himalayas. Now, only the hunky monkey Hanuman had a moped and he’d sped on and got the required herbs.

Unfortunately, he took a wrong turn at the Bangalore highway and ended up in Calicut and bang in the middle of a political strike. The Ezhavaas were demanding the right to do the Macarena in public. Sadly, it was not granted by the Namboodiris who were in favour of what we Keralities proudly know today as ‘gumakuth’ ( Ask any Mallu to demonstrate. If he says he doesn’t know the gumakuth, lynch him till he tells the truth of his actual heritage.. does not apply to Mallu NRIs. )The Macarena would be patented centuries later by a bunch of Latinos.. another grave loss of Indian heritage. Anyway, Hanuman befriended and was conned by an Ayurvedic orthopedician into believing he’d brought the wrong herbs. He was sent back and told to bring the whole mountain. The ulterior motive would be clear only later... it was to get some good seasoning for the naaranga ( Lime ) pickle they were making.
By the time Hanu realised that doc had made a donkey out of a monkey, the herbs were, literally, in the pot and he was ,metaphorically, in a pickle. Still, being the forever good guy that he was, he picked up the right herbs again meticulously and left. The orthopedician’s daughter, Cochin Chandrakutty, out of gratitude for his hard work, gave him some pickle and chips for the journey. And while he finished the pickle on the way, there was still some chips left when he returned to the war site. And lo and behold !! Even as Lakshmanan woke up repulsed after eating the herbs, the monkeys were rejuvenated by these mystical yellow chips, which tasted so different from the French fries they were used to at Mc Ravans.

In time, they would find that these chips were made not from the traditional potato, but instead from a new fruit – the humble banana. Thus, it was, after war had ended and the monkeys returned, that they spread the word of this new tasty fruit and it’s effect on them. In honour of this little told tale, even today, pictures all over depict monkeys all over the world as being banana lovers.
You hadn’t heard of this story? That’s not surprising. It’s only passed on from generation to generation amongst a select few descendants.. both of monkey and man. And trust me, the tale gets more awesome with each glass of toddy and banana chips.


Hic!! Simbly aasome, I say.
Happy Onam, everyone. God bless ya.

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Watch it..

I've really lost the ability to review films.. once upon a time, it came so naturally. Now it's more harder to hide the storyline between words.. so I'll lay it out straight to ya.

Go watch 'Rock On'. For tremendous performances by stars ( Arjun Rampal finally gets the role he will forever be remembered for and Purab Kohli emerging slowly into the 'dependable actors' category ) , non-stars ( Luke Kenny performing brilliantly and so naturally ) and talent we didn't see coming ( Farhan Akhthar as an actor and rock singer and Prachi as a oh-so-cute wife fighting her insecurities.. What a smile! ).

Watch it for a storyline we can all relate to... of life shattering the dreams we all had when we started our college lives and how, maybe, if we work for it, we can indeed 'LIVE THOSE DREAMS' again.


Watch it to see how good a movie can be if it doesn't succumb to the melodrama that is the staple diet of Bollywood and how, you don't need a big budget to win people's hearts.

Watch it to perhaps remember the person you once were. Go home and flip through your old college videos and snaps once you're done watchin the movie.
If you're still in college and just waiting to get out and take on the world.. Relax. Enjoy your life while you're still in there. Do what you want to do. Be who you want to be. Because this is the only time you may get. Once you enter the real life outside, well, as they say in the movie, 'you will have to compromise' every step of the way.

Watch it to rejoice the fact that Bollywood has finally matured.

Watch it.

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