Mouse, God, dog & cluck

Well, it's really that kinda post.. A couple of weird beings have crossed my path recently and it's only fair that they get an entry in Godyears.

Mouse makes an ass of men :
Well, I don't wanna complain an' all that, but a doc's life is tough enough without having to deal with non-occupational hazards. So imagine our plight when our presently congested 'room of 3' turned into a room of 4, courtesy Jerry the mouse. He's a real character; hiding out of sight initially when he still thought we were a threat. Gradually he realised he was the boss in the room and would openly run around in broad daylight.
I and C laid an elaborate trap with food, plates and spoons positioned to fall at the slightest touch and laid wait for him once during the early hours of the morning ( 1 am ).. it was a good hour later that C realised that while we were concentrating our eyes on the pillar-like trap we'd set on the ground, Jerry had been sitting on the same table that C's hand was leaning on and chewing through his sugar container !!! Needless to say, he got away that time. He would keep doing that to us, being in the exact opposite place from where we'd expect him to be.

To add insult to injury, once while we were chasing him ( basically, hitting the cupboards in the hope he'd come out into the open floor ), he disappeared for awhile. We couldn't figure out where he was since we knew he hadn't jumped out the window sil. A passing senior doc mentioned that mice hide in the really dusty areas so try there. Sure enough he scampered out when we hit the 'dustiest area' and escaped out the window. What's the insult in this ? Well, it was my bookstand with all my medical books that I'm supposed to be reading that earns pride of place as the most dustiest, unused spot in the room. ( Kids, don't try this at home. Keep opening those books... you don't wanna make mommy angry. ) Anyway, what was Jerry's fate ? I'll tell ya at the end of this post.

The day God cried :
This is actually a part of my recent tourist diary; the continuation of which just got indefinitely postponed. This took place when I was in Kerala last month. I met God at home. She was pretty pleasant, in hindsight, though I was expecting more, what with her being God and all.
You see, I attended a seance.. though a possession seems more apt a word. "Gifted", "a divine power" etc are other words thrown around to describe her. It's,you know, the same as when someone enters another person's body ( Yawn.. such a common everyday occurrence, after all, right ? ) Only in this case, the lady in question 'gets possessed by one of the billion Gods we have.' I don't know how I end up at these kinda thingys, but I invariably do.
Anyway, it's been a couple of years since anyone's told me he / she's God so I was looking forward to this. But I wasn't expecting God's reaction to me. Once she 'turned to God', she looked at me... and started crying !! Can you imagine how it feels when God looks at you and cries ?!? She later told me , after being 'depossessed' ( is that a word ? ) that God was crying seeing my past and assured me my bad days were over. It made me feel better at the moment, but thinking about it later, I wondered why God would cry for me ? I mean, didn't he know what he'd written in my life story ? And come on, I don't have that bad a past that God needs to cry.. it's not like I'm Britney Spears or something. Anyway, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that she wasn't crying for my future.. that would be scary for me. I guess the real question is, do you believe in possession?
Well, I'm not gonna ridicule the lady ( too much ) since if she really is getting visitations from God, then this post really would piss off God and you guys know me... I would never do anything to piss off God. But overall, ya, I do believe that some people can get possessed.. personally, I know that given the chance, I'd like to possess Kim Kardashian's boyfriend. Growr !! Down boy ! Down Boy ! Doooowwn Boy !!
But come on. We're a perfect match. We're both free flying spirits who don't care for tradition, we both have our own sex tapes ( unfortunately, mine is peddled in video shops as "Nightmare in Elm Street 7 : Freddy Kruger scared shitless", we both have twin assets down unda ( my godown butt, her shopping mall butt ), we're both in love with her, I have her pics ; her bodyguards have mine .. I swear, the similarity is uncanny. It's destiny in the end. It's meant to be.. a fairytale ending.. one that would make God cry, hopefully.

An old dog's new tricks :
Ruby's 9 years old. That's a lot of dogyears.. She's definitely slowed down now, though she still retains the old habits.

• She won't drink her morning milk even after 9 years till we place our milk laden finger into her lips.
  
• She still checks the kitchen sink in the mornings to see the day's menu. She still sits besides the old neighbour's cat ( the one she used to chase as a child.. now they've grown to have a mutual respect for each other ) and watches my mom feed the crows, sparrows and mynahs breakfast, lunch and teatime snacks daily.
  
• She still genuflects when she sees us first thing in the morning.. a quiet acknowledgement that we're the boss.
  
• She still chases cows, forgetting she's one tenth their weight and a hit away from a plaster cast.

In addition however, she's picked up new tricks too.

She now knows to open my parents bedroom at night and get an hour's sleep in advance on their bed under the air conditioner before they go to sleep( surprisingly, she never does it during the daytime when there ain't no A/C in the room.)

She already knew how to take out her anger on someone by choosing only that particluar person's clothes from the neatly folded and ironed set and ravaging it. But now, as a sign of respect, she takes the cloth from my damn briefcase ( lying partly open ) and then comes to me with it in her mouth. If I don't shout / make a loud noise, she takes that as a yes and begins her mauling of the cloth with a big wagging tail. After that, she looks at me expectantly. You see, after my Louis Philippe shirt is turned into a furry set of handkerchiefs, I'm supposed to escort her to the bathroom and fill up a mug of water for her to drink : after all, all that attacking is tiring work, isn't it ?
Sigh, I miss her. This time when I go home, I'm gonna get her a soft Park Avenue silk shirt to chew on. Her teeth ain't what it used to be, you know.


The chickens :
Which brings us back to Jerry, the mouse. What did happen to him ? Well, he had a good run. We even installed one of those mouse traps with the trapdoor and a piece of onion pakoda inside to tempt him. Well, 2 days later, we woke up and the pakoda was gone. No mouse. The next pakoda was slightly luckier. We woke up in the morning to the sight of Jerry sitting happily on the trapdoor and chewing the pakoda.. and leaving as calmly as he came. Dumbass trap, we cursed it. Still, with nothing else at our disposal, we decided to keep a piece of crunchy toast that night. Honestly, I expected a note today morning saying "No like toast plain. Please add butter or stick to pakodas for breakfast. - mouse."

Well, anyway, I was woken up by my 3rd roommate at 6 am. He was pissed. Why, I asked groggily. He handed me his toothpaste."I'll brush my teeth when I get up, ok." "Look at it. " he screamed annoyed. Well, he had a right to be pissed. Jerry had gnawed right through the toothpaste tube. If you pressed, paste came out from 4 different spots.
"Not bad. Jerry's learning to brush his teeth too before he eats." I laughed. " Before you know it, he'll be joining a convent school and carrying his own PowerRangers tiffin box."
Of course, roommate 3 wasn't too happy about sharing his paste with a mouse ( some people are so selfish, ya know ). Anyway, the bread was still there and the trap was empty again. I went to bath, seeing as I was wide awake. I came back and walla !! Jerry had finally fallen.. having brushed his teeth, he's finally got fooled while going for his daily breakfast.
After a lot of hi-fives and hoorahs and screamin at the cage ( "Who da man ? who da mouse ? Whata ? You think you're too smart for us ? Huh ? I got a distinction in Ophthalmology, what are your graduate marks, beeyaach ?" )

All through this, Jerry stared at us silently. He just stared. Sheesh. I don't know, but if a girl stared that long at me, I'd be down on my knees with a wedding ring in a jiffy. I don't know what was going through his mind - byhearting our faces for revenge, a silent plea... pretending to be a statue so we'd open the cage . Anyway, you see, the reason this part of the post is titled "Chicken" is quite simple.. you see, that's what Jerry made of us grown men.

We're so used to blood in the operation theatres, brains and bowels et al.. but when the time came, we realised we didn't have the nerve to kill a mouse. Not even a mouse who'd chewed away the tops of all my 'previously air tight' plastic containers or kept us up all night waiting for him. Even if I and C didn't say it, I think we both knew we couldn't kill this guy. After all, why do you think we never put poison in the bait ? The closest we came was to placing the bug spray can above the box. Neither of us could press the button.

Jerry's not a part of our room anymore. The cleaning lady let him loose a mile from the hospital. Of course, we still keep the box and the same crunchy toast bait on the floor. No, we don't expect Jerry back. But you see, we came across a carbon copy paper with a suspiciously small handwriting.
It said : " Hi Mary. Found good place to stay. Bring the kids and Aunt Bertha. There's plenty of room here. And the staff serves breakfast here too. - love, mouse. "

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The tough guy...

I'm gonna show her who wears the pants around here. She may have fooled the others, but she'll find I'm a tougher cookie to crack. After all, the honour of my batch is at stake and once again, it is upto me to rise to the occasion. Where is she, now ? Hmmm.. I guess I better tell you what's up while we wait for that scheming temptress to come..

There's a new girl in the operating theatre, Geeta. She's cute, got a great smile, is smart, intelligent and can secure intravenous lines in a jiffy; in short, a doc's dreamgirl. But she has a major flaw : she's a butterer. For the 10 % of you who don't know what a butterer is, it's someone who keeps praising you in front of yourself to get into your good books ; a kind of annoying 'yes man'. Well, she and 3 others are juniors to the four of us..S, C, RR and myself. And we've already decided that we won't take any crap from our juniors and would put them in their place if ever they took advantage of our friendliness. So naturally, her buttering didn't escape our radar.

Let me give you a rundown of my gang before I continue :
N - He's the big, tall guy who in the movies would probably play a silent bodyguard who rips chicken throats for practise. It's hard to extract the laughs from him , heck, you'd have better luck stealing a lion cub from a hungry lioness.
C - The quiet schemer. He notes everything and works quietly from the background, instigating others into action when needed. It's tough to fool him.
RR - He and I are the 2 Keralites.. we're the 'Backwater Boys' apparently.. haha. Some people's idea of a dumb joke. Anyway, he's the type who wears his emotions on his sleeve, be they love or anger. He's been there, done it all.

Now Geeta was posted with all of us for a week each and we figured this was the time to put her in her place.

Week 1 :
N got the first week. I and RR pitied her. We all knew what was in store for her : all the work and shouting at every small mistake. After all, N had already told us at the start of that week he wasn't gonna take any of her nonsense and would catch each and every one of her faults. Work as always, kept the rest of us busy till the end of the week.. we wondered how Geeta had done. She still smiled when we met in the morning.. but we backwater boys wondered how much she must be getting whipped by N. Finally, I and RR after a harrowing week came to it's end, came out after our last case and headed for our lunch at the lounge. There was N and Geeta having lunch and smiling.
N : You must have this chapati from my tiffin. For my sake.
Geeta : No sir. Please. I can't eat anymore.
N : No no no no no. I won't accept no. You must take.
Geeta : Sir, you know I won't say no to you, na. It's just that I'm a galactovegetarian and that food is cooked in a non veg kitchen.
N : Oh. Damn. Still...
Geeta : Thank you, sir. It's so sweet of you to offer.
And then N said 3 words that made me choke on my first bite.
N : Tee hee hee.. I ain't kidding.

See, there are various laughs. 'Ha ha' and the loud guffawing 'haw haws' are quite common, among big guys ( not N, though ), while 'hee hees' are common to the female gender. But dammit.. the last time I saw anyone say 'Tee hee hee' with a capital T was Betty while seducing Archie. And now, I'd seen it for real.. from our huge hulk.. and he was still grinning watching her walk off with his mouth open.

Me : What the hell happened to him ? He just girly giggled.
RR : What the hell's a galactovegetarian ? Is that like from outer space ?

n.b. : N changed to a pure vegetarian mess from June 1st.

Week 2 : Geeta vs C. Thinking back, we backwater boys were more confident of C's success. Cause this guy knows all the tricks and can spot fake comments from a mile away. He'd pick up her fake flattery from a mile away. Again, a hectic work schedule meant we rarely ran into each other for long periods. And then came Friday morning. Geeta arrived late into the Ot. She barely made it in time, to be frank. Perfect chance , I thought. C would really screw her. I hoped she wouldn't cry... too much. The 4 of us just happened to be there when she walked in, 30 minutes late. She smiled at C, who smiled back and handed her her scrubs which she took with another charmer smile and walked away.
RR : Are you kidding me ??
Me : What just happened ? Dude, you're supposed to blast her. She's late for work. We had to do her work.
C : Leave it na.
RR : What ??
C : She woke up late. It could happen to anyone.
Me : How do you know she woke up late ?
C : Oh, she called at 8 am, telling me she'd be late cause she's just woken up.
Me : 8 am ? She's supposed to be in the ot at 8am !!!
C: Leave it. As long as the ots are set, who cares who does the work ?
N : Exactly. Poor thing. She must have been studying all night.
C : ( Cough cough ).. exactly. Leave her alone.

I looked at RR. We shook our heads in disbelief. She'd taken down C too. We wouldn't know how much till much later. The late night phone calls between C and Geeta, the sweet sms' and cute goodnights.. ya, we'd find out all that only the next night. Of course, her coup de grace was unique - a tumbler of freshly shaken mango shakes delivered to his room. And I mean shaken as in she shook the damn jar for 15 minutes after adding all ingredients.

Which brings us back to today morning, the present. Week 3. Day 1. Morning one. Geeta's assigned under me. Good. It's time to put an end to this nonsense. No more of these stupid laughs and silly late night calls. RR and I know it's up to us to atleast save some of our batch's dignity. And as luck would have it, Geeta has chosen this Monday morning to come late once more. Ho Ho ho. Wrong guy to try that with, considering I'm a stickler for punctuality. Oh baby, this was gonna be nice. Now to show the guys how it's done. Oh good, here she comes now.

Me : Geeta, I have something to tell you.
Geeta : Sir, before that, let me just say, I'm really looking forward to working with you. All the senior staff in the department tell us juniors to learn from you.
Me: Really ? Oh, they're just being kind. ( Really ? Learn from me... who da man ? who's yer daddy ? )
Geeta : Oh no, sir. I've seen you in emergencies. You're really great, such a cool head.
Me : He he. Well, I'm just that kinda guy, you know. Cool in a crisis. ( Actually the ot mask covers my tears while the adult diapers do the rest. ) Anyway, I don't know if I'd say great... good maybe, but not great, you know.
Geeta : And that sense of humour. Sir, that joke you said about that surgeon yesterday in post op was so funny. I was laughing even 2 hours later thinking of it. Tell me, sir, how do you think of such funny things ?
Me : Aww.. it comes instinctively. ( Actually, I'd sat up beyond midnight working up scenarios to trap that poor surgeon so that I could lay the punchline on him. ) It's a purely natural sense of comic timing I'm gifted with.
Geeta : That's so awesome, sir. And sir, have you lost weight ?
Me : Lost ? I thought I'd gained a few.. ( a few tonnes maybe.. I've long forsaken my belt for the 'untucked shirt' look. Heck, I get love letters from the elephants when I visit the zoos and temples. )
Geeta : No way sir. You've definitely lost weight. It makes you look even more handsome ( More ? She's noticing... ) And sir, which is that perfume you're wearing ?
Me : Oh, the usual. Ferrari, imported. ( Archie's Boyz Wink, reduction sale )
Geeta : Ummmm... it smells so manly. ( Manly ? I thought it smelt like bottled bubblegum... which makes it even weirder that I chose to buy it. )
Me : Ya, I thought so too.. a really rough manly smell.
Geeta : Definitely, sir. Oh, by the by, What did you want to tell me, sir ?
Me : Huh ? Oh. Oh ya...Uhh.. umm.. ya, that was some nice mango shakes you made for C. I got a taste cause you made plenty.
Geeta : You liked it, sir ?
Me : Oh, best I've ever tasted. No doubts. ( I'm still recovering from the diarrhoea )
Geeta : Thank you sir. Can you hand me the scrubs ?
Me : Oh definitely, here you go. Take your time. I've already prepared the ots, including yours.
Geeta : Oh. That's so sweet of you sir. I'm sorry I'm so late ( Late ? who noticed ? Not me!! ) I was awake till late last night talking to my boyf..cough, my brother.
Me : How nice. You're so lucky that you have such a loving brother. ( I wonder if he'd make a good brother-in-law )
Geeta : Yes sir. Now, I really must go change.
Me : Yes, please please go. Sorry for delaying you.
I watched her as she walked away, into the changing room. What a nice, sweet wo...

"You know, atleast the others lasted a week."
I turned around. RR was shaking his head and looking at me with a resigned look.
"What ?" I asked. But he'd already walked off, still shaking his head.

Who cares ? He's just jealous because I'm sweet and handsome.
Oh, and I smell nice too.

Tee hee hee.

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