For want of a moan...

My world was shattered a few days ago. All my dreams, my hopes .. all came crashing down in the night after a busy day when I finally sat down to read the newspaper.

“Maria was a terrible lover” cried the gossip column page. The story, of course, dealt with Adam Levine ( of Maroon 5 ) and his kiss-and-tell confessions of how bad a lover Maria Sharapova was in bed. He spoke of how “she just lay there in bed, not moving, moaning or sighing… At one point she even asked him not to groan since it disturbed her concentration. He was so down he took anti-depressants for a month, he claimed.”

He was down !?! What about me ?? I quickly sat cross- legged on the bed ( “assumed the position” as we higher spiritual beings prefer to call it ) , closed my eyes and dialed 1-800- BigDaddy mentally. “ Lord above, the one I love.. come to me now, I need you.. lo lo lo lord above, wiggi wiggi, come on down, shake it daddy, shake it now.. ( wiggi wiggi is the cd scratching – it’s the remix version of the prayer.. its on side B of enlightenment cds )
Please Lord, I read this article that has shaken my faith in all that I believe is blonde and Russian. Tell me it isn’t true. Tell me that all I learnt from those awe- inspiring movies of my early teens still holds true. O Lord, let not such a hottie be not naughty.

A bright light flashed at the front window. I turned , expectantly. It was just the passing light from a truck. “Oof !!” I heard a groan behind me. Turning around, I found the back window of the room now open and God himself climbing in. He’d slipped on the Tang I’d dropped on the window sill on his way in. I really should call the cleaning lady some time.

Anyway, I’m digressing . There he was in all his glory. He came to me, placed his lotus, mace, discus and conch shell down ( yup, he was doing his rounds in that avatar that day ), placed 2 of his 4 hands on my shoulders and looked at me with those big doe eyes of his. I felt that divine touch in all it’s glory, the selflessness, the love seeping through every pore of my..

WHACK !!!!

He slapped me across the cheek. ( Apparently, he was holding me in place with those 2 hands.. divine slaps have to be perfect, you see ) That familiar, divine voice I hear in my head at odd hours now spoke to me..
“Pipsqueak !! Seeriously ! Why are you calling me to know how Maria is in bed ? Do you really think you have a chance of getting any from her ? Really ? Really really ?
Like, deep down, really really ?”
“Well, anything is possible, right ? I have faith in the Lord to help me achieve the impossible.”
“Kid. I AM the Lord ! Trust me, you don’t have a rat’s ass chance of getting any Maria booty . Now start praying for world peace and the survival of the tiger like the rest of the time. Stop using my private number for these kinda dumb-ass questions. Maybe then I’ll let you atleast ‘get some’.”
Any further promises of salvation were interrupted by a familiar annoying ringtone of his mobile. Nokia never changes that damn tune with time, do they ??Anyway, his 4 hands went to work, searching all his pockets simultaneously, before the bluetooth device in his ear kicked in.
“ Ya, it’s Big G.. what’s up.. where am I ? I just popped down to Earth for a minute for.. ya, I know, I was supposed to look out for .. He got for how much ? 99 ? Again ? Shit. I was on cricket duty today.. I was assigned to look after him.. but there was this moron who just asked the most ridiculous question, I had to come down to slap.. ya, the Godyears guy again.. damn. I was supposed to help him get a century this time. My bad. Look. It’s time for damage control. Make it look like he got a bad decision on the replays. Ok ? Sure, I’ll be up in a minute. Thanks, buddy. Oh man, the BCCI’s gonna be pissed. See ya soon. Bye.”
He turned to me and glared. It ain’t a pleasant look. Somehow, not many painters get this expression in their paintings of him. “Now look what you made me do ?” he barked. “The whole of India’s gonna be pissed at me for getting him out at 99 again. You know how much we stand to lose off the religious cash cow country of the world. Why I oughta.. If my shrink hadn’t forbidden me from throwing down lightning bolts at people like you..
Ah !! Forget it. I have more important things to attend to right now. Shit, that’s them !!” he said , glancing down at his mobile which was ringing with the familiar tone once more and the words “BCCI calling”.. printed on the screen.
He faded slowly away, but I could hear him muttering as he vanished – “Unbelievable. The devil get the presidents, the sex bombs, the celebrities, the super stars.. I get stuck with nuts like this….”
The light faded and I was alone again.

Since then, I've just missed being hit by a car ( I pushed an old lady in front of it instead ), struck down by an errant arrow ( thank God I bent down to pick up that 50 paise coin ) and narrowly avoided being crushed by a blue whale ( I don't care what you say, Ive never heard of anyone transporting a blue whale from the Arctic to Australia in a helicopter with a travel route across Pune.. God was probably getting desperate by then. )

I’m trying not to read too much into my religious experience. But somehow I can’t shake the implications of my divine encounter.. that sinking feeling that I ain’t “getting any” this year !!!! Definitely not from any Russian blondes anyway.. hmm. Maybe I should consider Kazakhastan….

Happy Onam, everyone !!

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The trial of Ruby

I was doing certain minimalistic changes in the blog ( redid the menu, deleted some old posts ) when I came across a post I never published. It brought back lots of memories of my wonder blunder dog and I figured it deserved a release finally.

Please note that there has been no attempt to censor Ruby's face. Which means she will be mighty pissed when she reads this blog... which does not bode well for the clothes I left behind at home. But then, you only live once.. so I'll take a chance she's gonna be busy in her pooch dating sites and will miss my blog. Presenting - The trial of Ruby

How do criminals react to being caught ? Do they deny the crime outright, even with blood on their hands ? Do they turn aggressive ? Do they hide or whimper ? Do they look for the nearest object to attack you with ? FIGHT OR FLIGHT, in the end ?

These are not the best of times at home, with everyone having their share of blame games, accusations, counter accusations etc. In the midst of this, it's nice to have a calm unaffected head watching the whole ballgame of life and going about her business nonchalantly. As always, it's not the humans of the house who seem to have the most rational mind.. but then this vegetable thief has been around awhile.

Scene of the Crime : Upstairs garden verandah.
Crime : Chewing prized and painstakingly watered plants.
Suspects :

• Ruby ( Woof ! )
• Roshan ( The fact that I don't like green veggies is totally lost on my family at times, I swear )
• Wildcats ( Ruby's nemesis )
• Squirrels ( I can't believe I come above wild cats and squirrels !!)

by pythoroshan

Well, anyway, I decided it was time to prove my innocence ( or atleast come below the damn wildcats in the list ) so I lured the prime suspect up and let her out into the garden verandah for a minute. That's usually enough. She always goes running around hunting for the wildcats, then slowly starts sniffing around the plants.Sure enough, I soon had mobile pics of her chewing happily on a plant she finally chose after sniffing quiet a few. I called Mom to show her the culprit red handed and prove my innocence . Thats when the fun began.

by pythoroshan

Hearing my calls and seeing me wagging my paw..uh, finger, Ruby came rushing out to try and escape from the scene of the crime. But alas! The Crime Patrol Mother was halfway up the stairs already and was soon growling at the dog (?) for eating her plants. FLIGHT OR FIGHT ?

by pythoroshan

The smart ass dog chose Fight. It was hilarious to see her push my mother's hand away whenever my mom wagged her fingers at Ruby. It was tough too.

by pythoroshan

Note where the dog is balancing..at the edge of the stairs and still finding the balance to paw away. Her loud barks ( dog's, not moms!! ) is another defence mechanism she uses well. She tried drowning out my mom's voice. It's kind of her way of saying - "Keep your voice down. He'll hear." Seriously. I've seen it so many times over the years, yet I never tire of how silly she looks when she starts pleading her case out.

by pythoroshan

Him ? Well, if there's one person she always aims to please, it's dad..around him, no tricks, no stunts. Daddy's Princess. We both ( me and mom ) realised it and so she called for my father. Hearing the term that normally brings my father along, the transformation occured.

by pythoroshan

Suddenly this dog became quiet as a mouse. She just sat there, ears down and stared past my mom...looking and listening for any sign of Dad coming. Now even when we goaded her and taunted her, she didn't fall. The criminal had given up FIGHT mode and was now awaiting the Executioner's arrival. This went on for the best part of 3 minutes ( that's 21 minutes in dog years, mind you ) and finally, she realised we were bluffing. That Dad was probably having a nap and wasn't coming.

by pythoroshan

Result ? A more vigorous attack on Mom this time for playing the fool on her. More pawing away, the occasional teeth snaps and barks. Not to mention pulling at her dress as she retreated down the stairs. She did pause halfway to look up at me and howl once. An ominous growl. Then ran down to chase my mom across the sitting room.
Not that I'm scared or anything, but I'm locking the doors at night so Ruby can't get in. Doesn't hurt to be safe these days.

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A blogger tissue box

There are quite a few blogs I turn to for relaxation at the end of a busy week. These are people who , with their uncanny sense of humor and zest for life make me remember that there is a life, unlike my own out there in the world. It was while going through one such blog I adore that I came across a short post that in so little words said so much.

"I found out something about me thats upsetting the people that love me.

I just cant seem to accept it or look into it. I don't think I ever can. EVER."

To say that it haunted me is , well, an understatement. Mainly because I had the 'pleasure' of going through that same pain a long time back. I longed to write in her comments section, telling her to keep her chin up and that compromise and acceptance was part of the other guy's responsibilities. I couldn't write the words.

Because anything I write in this matter would show me as a pure hypoocrite. When push came to shove, and I was given the choice of accept or be damned, I chose Option B. I refused to accept the other person's flaw. Now, when I so wanted to give sound advice to this sweetheart, I realised I had no right. I couldn't write to console her grief... I just couldn't.

So, I'll do the only thing I can.. I'll give you a blogger tissue box to wipe your tears ( long gone by now, thank God ) and to smile. If you're reading this, you know who you are, dear. I'd just like to take you through some interviews I've been conducting with a few folks down history lane regarding what they thought of their loved ones.

Kasturba Gandhi ( wife, M G Road, sorry, M Gandhi ) : You kidding me !!! Father of the nation he maybe. But man, what a cheater !! He told me he was a lawyer when he married me. Next thing you know, I'm spending more time behind bars than his clients. Not to mention he was bald too. And we never had a car. He always had to walk.. even if it was just for salt from the sea !! Man, I tell ya, living with him wasn't any picnic. Now, Nehru, that dude had style. No wonder Mrs Mountbatten went for.. never mind.

Josephine ( wife, Napolean Bonaparte ) : Wella, da trutha be a tolda, I thought he wasa cute little man when we werea dating. My momma, she tolda me he makea goood husbande. So I marry him. Whata happen ? He never stay home, not even when I make my famous ravioli. He always go outa with the boys, they kill everyone else. Sure, they hava the gala time, but whata bout me ? A gal want to have some fun tooo. Having to wear a chastity belt while he go play with the girls .. it no fun, I tell you. Finally, whata happened - two days after his life insurancee policy expire, the fool geta caught and sent to exile foreva.. whata waste.

Brad Pitt ( lover, Anjelina Jolie ) : Sure she's got lips that'd give a crocodile a complex, but my God !!! Can't she just stick to buying houses and jewellery like the rest of them ? She's always buying kids, I tell you !! Man, I miss Jennifer Aniston. Atleast, with her, I only had to worry about the F*R*I*E*N*D*S* dweeb who kept kissing her every season.

Tommy Lee ( ex, Pamela Anderson ) : I know. I know. She's the ultimate blonde bombshell. She's the most downloaded hottie. She'll try anything more than once. But c'mon, is there anyone who hasn't seen what she has to offer ?? Heck, is there anyone in the Baywatch crew who hasn't experienced all that she has to offer ??? A guy likes to have a bit of his wife to himself, you know."

Yudhishtra ( husband, Draupadi ) : I think my wife likes my brother more than me.

Arjun (husband, Draupadi ) : I think my wife likes my brother more than me.

Bhim (husband, Draupadi ) : I think my wife likes my brother more than me.

Nakula (husband, Draupadi ) : I think my wife likes my brother more than me.

Sahadeva (husband, Draupadi ) : Who da maan ? ( yes, this is the first documented time it was said in history.. WHO'RE YOU CALLING A LIAR ??? )

Nobody's perfect. Yet most of us recieve love along the journey. Don't look back and worry about hard words and the truth that pokes through. Have faith in one thing - you're better than half the world on any given day of the year. There is no single person in the world who has not frustrated the one he / she loves at some time. If you can change, fine. If not, so be it.

Now, read aloud with me.. you know the words...

" God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. "

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Tagged by Nags...

Well, it's been a while since anyone has tagged me and I figured I'd dropped off Planet Earth and what do I see ? Nags has come along once more ( my damsel in shining armour to this knight in distress ) and given me something to write on..
This time, it's 7 interesting facts about me.. well, lets see...

1. I hate travelling. As a college student, my journey from Mangalore to Kannur took 3.5 hours. For me, that was 2.5 hours too long, especially after I've finished reading the TIMES OF INDIA, OUTLOOK, INDIA TODAY, WEEK & SPORTSTAR in that first hour while the train chugs along to Kasargod. And yes, I do read fast. I guess I'm just very restless when I have to talk to myself during a train journey.. Of course, you could always give me the window seat and I'll just stare out and let the rain fall on my face.. something I picked up from my dog, I think !!

2. Like most of my friends, there are so many times I regret taking up medicine. It isn't what it once was.. or atleast what it was in our parents times. Now, money rules. Marks are secondary, knowledge optional. Not to mention, the envy of seeing all the smart engineers pics from their travels abroad while we're languishing behind books even today at 27. Would I allow my son / daughter-to-be to join medicine ? Only if being a drug peddler or pole vault dancer respectively is still considered illegal in their time.

3. I am a sucker for a cute smile and a sob story. I fall in love daily , sometimes even twice a day, till the next workload takes over and the cutey-whose-name-I-knew-not is forgotten. I have crushes on my friends, help them get their guys and then move on to my next crush.. heaven help me, I don't know why !!! Funnily enough, I can actually claim the holier-than-thou view that I'm tired of seeing the anatomy day in and day out and would just like to fall in love with a girl for who she is.... ( I wonder if this line still works ??? ) Sigh.. I guess I just miss having someone to atleast flirt with !!!

4. I am a doctor... but I am superstitious as hell. For example - when I'm going through a bad day, I quickly change my mobile theme and see if the day gets better !! I also always place my ring and watch in particular pockets while going to wash up for a case because I believe I'll do better if they're in that particular pocket. And hey, it's working so far !!! Of course, it runs in my family where prayers begin the moment I tell my mom that work is too much and I don't get any time to read... yes, my family astrologer does have a chauffeur driven Rolls Royce, how did you know that ?

5. I pray for people who probably don't even remember me anymore. It's funny because I hardly pray for myself, or for most of my present work team. But I pray for friends who have long left me, for a girl I know who's having trouble getting preggy, a guy who's struggling to get a P.G. seat, newly weds and friends I've never met who're irrationally scared of operations ( my source of money !!!! ). For years during college, I would go to a temple and pray for someone's mental scars to heal.. the person doesn't know it to this day. I prefer it that way.

6. I am an under achiever by nature, a dreamer by profession, old fashioned in values, radical in views and an egoistic ass by attitude. You should try it out.. it's a deadly combination. Like Nags who tagged me, I too keep secrets well, but I do it by using the old fashioned method - I forget. Again, like her, I'm terrible with good byes. I say a silly bye, turn and walk away, without looking back. I can't help it. I'm not strong enough to look into someone's eyes and tell them I'll miss them.

7. I quote from a comedy line I read in today's paper. " I love cholesterol. It forms a coating around my heart that'll save it from being broken again. " I am not health conscious ( a health conscious doc... ewwww ) and I do think with my heart rather than my head.. Do I recommend either ? No.

Ok, now I get to tag 7.. so Michelle, Nisha, Saikat, Rejoy, Anisha, Kartik and PS.. you're up next.

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