Tabloid January

A New Year, a new beginning.. more importantly, a new dawn to enjoy what people from all over from a disgraced boxer to an obese dog and aliens have done that earned them a roll of honour in 2007's TABLOID JANUARY.

Too much rum at the airport ?

The fun started shortly after New Year with the report of an alien space ship hovering over Chicago's O' Hare airport shortly before sunset. The event was witnessed by a number of airline employees there, mostly from United Airlines. Apparently, the "spaceship" hovered over the airport for a while, before finally speeding away into overcast skies. I'm disappointed. I know the law in the USA is pretty stringent "post 9/11" ( blah blah blah ) towards illegal immigrants and aliens from around the world, but you could atleast have let them land, you know. To send them back after such a long journey just cause the runways were clogged is really annoying. Infact, I seriously doubt there was no runway free at that time for the poor UFo. I demand a review of the "illegal immigrants bill". Because of your insensitivity, the packet of pickles they had brought from the-planet-formerly-known-as-Pluto for me was ruined when they finally arrived here. Thanks for nothing !!

Spend it like Beckham

Of course, David Beckham has a lot to be thankful for. His left foot which was mostly ineffective during his stint with Real Madrid is now, in the twilight of his career, supposed to be the messiah of USA soccer. Or so they hope. That's what I like best. Hope. I mean, this hitherto unheard of club, L.A. Galaxy is paying Becks the equivalent of over Rupees 1000 crores over 5 years to play for them, doubling the salary of the present most expensive USA sportsman in any sport. 250 million dollars. I wouldn't pay that kind of money for anyone, let alone a hairy leg which hardly ever lasts 90 minutes in a week anymore. I wonder what shocked Becs more though - the fact that they were dumb enough to pay so much cash for him.. or finding out that USA actually had a soccer league !!! 250 million dollars. Poor schmuck. Maintaining Victoria Beckham alone means he'll be bankrupt in about a year from now. Those who want to contribute to the 'Penniless Becks 2008' fund may please send their bank account numbers to me. I'll make sure he gets your love.

A Kidney for a Ear

The New Year , of course, was not so good for ol' boxer/ ear chomper Mike Tyson. He was picked up on charges of possession of drugs. If found guilty ( wasn't he arrested with it, what's "if found guilty"??? ) he faces upto 3-5 years in prison. He needn't worry. People are calling in favours to get him out of jail. Friends ? No, you dummy. I'm talking about the prisoner who may end up being his cell mate !! Anything except being locked in a square cage with Tyson, man, anything. The last time I spoke to him, he was asking about selling his kidney to raise the required bail money for Tyson. Both kidneys, even !!! It's sad to hear a grown man cry over the phone out of abject fear so if anyone wants an extra pair of kidneys...

God bless you, M. F.

Now, I want all of you to stand up and pay respect to someone very special to most of us. The inventor of TOP RAMEN noodles died recently. So please pray for Mr Momo Fuko. Momo Fuko. Man, he must have had a tough childhood with that name. A bully's dream come true, that kind of name. "Hey, you momo fuko ! Come here. I'm gonna turn you into suckerfish sushi." I bet he must have prayed for the day when people would call him "b*****d", "p***k" and the likes, rather than his own name. Hmmm. I wonder if he took out his anger by adding any 'secret ingredients' in his noodles. Just to be on the safe side, I think I'll stick to Maggi for awhile. Godspeed, Momo Fuko..Uh, I mean, Sir.

CSI : Duh!!

Of course, I'm not the only one examining the lives of the dead. 200 years after his death, doctors, pathologists and god knows who else have finally, after avid research of his remains, come to the conclusion that Napolean Bonaparte died not because of slow arsenic poisoning, but of gastric cancer. I must admit, I'm relieved. Now I can sleep in peace finally after all these years of torment wondering. Though I guess I'll have to quit medicine now.. after all, now that this mystery is solved, what else is there to do for doctors, right ? Yeesh. Seriously, how about focussing on the living for a change ? It wouldn't kill you lot to try and help keep the living..well, alive ! Leave ol' BonesApart alone, will ya. I mean, you guys did it to him 200 years ago, at Alba, didn't you ? A little late to get a guilty conscience, doncha think ?

Boner

Speaking of bones reminded me. The makers of Viagra have come out with their next wonder drug. Guys, guys, hold on. Hear me out completely before rushing to Boner Pharmacy for a fill-up. The latest drug is an 'anti-obesity pill FOR DOGS !!!!' What the hell ?? Hasn't anyone heard of 'walking the dog', 'taking the dog for a stroll'.. hell, even making the damn dog wag it's tail ought to burn some calories, I think. There's a limit to pampering dogs! Some people are just too weird when it comes to their animals. Me ? I'm still saving up to pay for my parrot's boob job so no, I will not be buying this new pill, thank you for asking.

Talk to the Paw
And well, is any tabloid complete without the 'study/ statistics' section ? Scientists have found that cats may develop Alzheimers disease. Which means they won't recognise you, even though you've been their companion for so many years. Or give a damn about their surroundings no matter what. Which means you'll have to be with them 24/7 to look after their well being.. Hmm, sounds suspiciously like every cat I know, not just the old ones, as expected with the disease. In fact, I wonder if this report may not be just a rumor started by the cats themselves to try to enslave us even more. I don't trust those sneaky felines, I tell ya. Today, it's fill my bowl, tomorrow.. World Domination. You think I'm kidding ? Then how do you explain the fact that not a single cat died during the entire 9/11 and WMD fiasco, the shooting of any of the 'Lassie movies' or while making animal tested products ? Divide and conquer, mate. That's their plan. But don't worry, I'm onto them. Unless my body's found in a back alley with paw prints around my strangled neck. Then just remember, no matter how much the evidence points to the dumb dog next door, THE CAT DID IT !!!

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This 2007, I want...

Dear God,
This 2007 :

• I don't want gravity defying asseted women.
• I don't want a horde of publishers knocking on my door to buy the rights of my NaNoWriMo novel.
• I don't want India to win the World Cup.
• I don't want world peace.
• I don't want to run into a burning building and save families.
• I don't want Ambani's State Bank Account number with password. Ummm.. ya, ya, I'm sure. I don't want it.
• I don't want to know who killed JFK.
• I don't want to find the elusive virus smashing drugs.
• I don't wanna be known as the 'Doogie Howser-esque' genius in whichever hospital I end up.
• I don't want to find true love.
• I don't want Amisha Patel any more.
• I don't want to find a magical ring with infinite powers which makes me Green Lantern.
• I don't want the grey hairs to disappear.
• I don't want the President to finally acknowledge that the 26th Jan Parade is meant to celebrate mua.

This 2007, God, for my birthday, all I want is a good year. Not an outstanding year. Not a brilliant year. Not even a great year. Just a good one for myself. If I ain't been good enough to deserve it, still, gimme a chance at one. Whad'ya say ? I'll settle the bill later. I swear on .. umm, you ?

And if you can't fit it in, just gimme an average year, ok. No big shocks. No more of last year's toying around. Just , you know, a blueprint from any other year would do just fine. 365 days of work and play saving patients and accepting that I can't save 'em all.

Either way, I'll understand.But if it's all written and decided already and the good year ain't coming, well then, would you atleast consider the Green Lantern Ring request for this year... it's would help heal some of the blows, methinks. Deal ?

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What is Big B not telling us ?

"He is 60. She is 18.
Some love stories are never meant to be understood. " - Nishabd.

Those of you who have seen the trailor of Nishabd may be thinking of how it resembles the old classic novel by Vladimir Nabokov of the scandalous love between an older man and a 'barely legal' child. I'm sorry to do this but I can't keep this secret any longer. You're all wrong. Ram Gopal Verma is not remaking Lolita as you all thought. After suffering huge losses with 'Shiva' and 'Darna Zaroori Hai', RGV had no option once his producers left, but to cave in to the demands of his NEW PRODUCERS, an internationally reputed chocolate company, who themselves are looking to cash in on the success of their ad campaign. ( video courtesy youtube )
Thus, the girl in the Nishabd trailor is nothing more than a cowherd who plays the 'other woman' in this love triangle. The real twist has never been revealed to the public.. till now. This movie will indeed be RGV's most controversial project yet. But it will not be the moral police who will run riot on the streets at the time of its release. It will be the animal activists. For this tale goes back to the roots ( and up to the grass ). It is the tale of the beginning of a unique love story never before seen in Bollywood.. the love between Big B and Miss Palampur.

He is 60. She is 18.
Some love stories are never meant to be understood.

No Kidding!!!

( If I were allowed one more pun before I die, it would have to be - you horny ba****d !!! )

Statutory warning : Statements above may be fictional and made up.

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Chocolate and the Bitter Pill

This isn't your normal post. There are two sides of me, both wanting to make a point... very different points. So I guess I better make it clear right now. "Chocolate" is the main post, dealing with something simple that I noticed. Or almost missed. Those who enjoy it, please please, for heaven's sake stop there. "A bitter pill" is petty and bullish. It's also payback. But then, sometimes the sweet has to be taken with the bitter, doesn't it ?



CHOCOLATE
So there I was. I'd finished my exam for the day. The initial jubiliation of having had a great exam was quickly dampened as once I left the hall, it became evident that it was a common sentiment all around. That makes getting a seat all the more tougher. Great. What a time to not be 'OBC enough' to darken the OBC box in these exams. The newspaper greeted me with news of how the Noida nut jobs had also been hiding plastic bags with torsos in that house. There's a story of how a rich girl-poor boy love story ended with the boy taking a final ride inside a suitcase where the body was eventually found. A long lost family friend regaled me with a story of a tragedy that ( ridiculously ) mirrored my own. Not what I really wanted to hear after such a long journey. Pune as such was a joy,no doubt,and a great change of pace from what I'm used to, but to enjoy it needs the right frame of mind too. And I guess, all that was going through my mind was " What next,Mr God ? The world's in chaos, death and blood doing the tango right out in the open.. What is your plan ?"
He didn't answer, of course. He never does.

So there I was. Time to spare at the Bangalore airport as I waited for my connecting flight. Just myself and the world around , each moving at their own pace, as oblivious to me as I was to them. Perhaps that's the best part of boredom - it teaches you to look around for new possibilities. As I sat staring at all the commotion, slowly, patterns started to develop. A rhythm to the chaos. I started to see the various tunes being played out in front of me. The sweet,cherubic wife running to the security check while her hubby burst out laughing at her 'duck waddle' even as she grinned and threatened him with dire consequences when she got to him. The parents who cried as they hugged their son good bye. Being caught ogling a hottie by her dude, who responded with a Cheshire cat grin that was such a Kodak moment, before hugging her fiercely. The old Chinese monk who brought back memories of the old master from "THE DRUNKEN MASTER" kung- fu movies, giving me a smile that I thought was reserved for favourite students as he walked by, making me feel like I should be getting him buckets of water on either side of my back - thankfully, the feeling passed just as swiftly as it appeared. An old man apologising when he accidentally just brushed against me with his bag as he passed by. Worldspace playing Chiquitita by ABBA, a song which flooded my senses with memories of a more innocent age when I along with 4 other talented musicians were disqualified for our awful rendition of the song in the group song contest.. sigh. ( who knows how high this eagle would have flown had my true place beside Himesh been spotted earlier ? ) A group of oh-so-obviously Indian girls in transit sat chatting and I picked up the gorgeously funny Americanized Indian accent that has been injected into them. "And I was like -Oh My Gaaaw ! I have no seat and she was like Oh mah Gawww you have no seat and the staff were like Oh mah Gaww they had no seat and I was like so bummed I could weep and I was thinking like...what was I saying ? ( I'm guessing , at this point, you computer folks would insert the html code for "GENERAL FAILURE READING DISK..ABORT, RETRY, CANCEL ? In medical terms, we stick to "What was I saying ?" )

And then there was the chocolate girl. A cute little girl, maybe 5 years at best, watched her dad get her a chocolate. She opened the wrapper with due diligence, making sure no chocolate was stolen by the evil wrapper. She had almost put the choc in her mouth when she spotted her mom watching her a few feet away. And then, this little angel did something I haven't seen in all the years I've watched families and children aplenty in wards. She walked up to the mom and put the chocolate in her mom's mouth, no questions asked. The delighted mom obviously responded with a big hug, but there was just something in that moment. I mean, When was the last time you've seen a child give up a chocolate without being asked to ? When was the last time you gave your mom a chocolate without being asked to, for that matter ? Slowly, it all began to make perfect sense. This was what it was all about, wasn't it, Big G ? We keep looking for the next big event to focus on. Meanwhile, we're missing the whole picture he painted for us. It's not the canvas. It's the small things in life that are painted into the canvas. They all add up. To Love. Because sometimes when we don't see love around us, maybe all that's really needed is for us to stop. Just stand still and look around you. And surely enough, I think, you will find, that like the song says, Love is all around you. It's just a matter of focussing on it. When I was focussing on the hate around me, seeking the big answers, nothing seemed right in the world. I had walked into the airport disillusioned. I entered the plane healed and confident that there was hope and care aplenty around. I knew that no matter what, love would, indeed, save the day. Right, Mr God ?
He didn't answer, of course. He never does.
He knows we'll find our own answers eventually.




THE BITTER PILL
This is personal. So, if it makes no sense, never mind. Returning via KingFisher was definitely an extravagance, but it was something I had on my agenda from the day I knew my exam dates. Why ? Well, certain 'loved ones' had , while painting my portrait, claimed I had not accompanied them on a flight because I was so sick I'd die if I boarded a plane..petty though it was, it stuck in my mind because I would not get another chance to prove it wrong along with other love laced allegations that crept up. Well, I have two tickets here with my name on it which, I believe, can be divided equally to be stuffed up 3 pairs of holes 'where the sun don't shine '. Incidentally, not that I'm counting, but that's 8/8 allegations proven wrong in just 6 months. The last 2 allegations will of course be proven at my own convenience rather than to prove a point..But Jeepers creepers, what's going on ?
Just as the rock will always beat the scissor everytime in the old game, so too truth will beat lies. Everytime. Each and every F***ing time. At 25, I shouldn't have to teach this to someone twice my age. And unlike paper to rock, no white cloth can cover the truth . Advice ? Recommended viewing next time - Mel Gibson's RANSOM . On how blackmail is combated.
To end : once before, I quoted the old "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me" line and was rewarded with an unheard of betrayal and deception, where my family joined me to wear dunce caps by being so easily taken in. Now, having finally proven the last of the provable crap wrong, I will refrain from quoting playwrights, historians or freedom fighters.

Instead, I will turn to the old drunk pilot with the nuclear bomb in his fighter plane as he flew into the mother alien ship in that glorious movie "INDEPENDENCE DAY". I hope I don't trip over the words or get them wrong, but I do believe it went something like this -
UP YOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSS !!!!!!!

Some people don't deserve respect. That's all there is to it.

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Regression...

Ok, I only got a few more hours before my main exam starts and with nothing else to do as the books speak gibberish back at me, I figured, I might as well put in this series while it's still here in my head.
Does anyone remember the good ol' days.. when skeletons in the closet was a metaphor ? When kids worked after school or maybe stole from daddy's purse for extra money ? When beer cans were cool and kind of the forbidden fruit ? I miss those days.
I don't know. I just feel we've started off the new year on a really really bad note. I mean, 2007 has yet to shave it's first fortnight stubble off and already there's so many shockers popping up, scaring the Bejesus out of me.


It started with the ushering in of the New Year, actually. A pre-pubescent kid was kidnapped from Chennai and a ransom demand of Rs 5 lakhs was demanded. The body of the child was later found, skull bashed in. The police were eventually successful in capturing the kidnappers. Which is a funny term. Why ? They were 11 and 15 years old. Kids !! They wanted money to buy a mobile and to have a New Year party. They lure the victim to a house on the pretext of showing him video games, then held him there. When he screamed, they 'had no other alternative' than to kill him. The sad part is, this isn't what burned me up. It's what they did next. To prevent sniffer dogs from tracing the body, they covered the house with chilli powder ( an idea from a recent Tamil film hit ) which confuses the dogs. And then went on with their plan to get the mobile and still be on time for heir New Year party. Every step of this was premeditated. No remorse.No shame. And guess what, pals ? As they are juveniles, their names will never be known to us AND ( you're gonna love this part ) they'll be out on the streets in a maximum of 3 years since that's the best a juvenile court can sentence a 'child'. This is justice ? You have got to be kidding me !!

Of course, the Noida killings is now sure to be a story we can narrate to our grandkids decades from now. After the parents pleas for the missing children fell on deaf ears for more than a year as they were indeed children of a lesser God ( their parents do not form part of the voting population in that area.. so why would anyone care ? ), finally the unearthing of more than 17 bodies in skeletons has brought the 2 serial killers to the court room. Or has it ? I'm starting to sense falsehoods creeping into this once air tight case as each and every day goes by. The servant's claims, under narco analysis, of sexually abusing the children and cutting them up 'while his master knew nothing' is plain ridiculous - especially since the master claims he knew about it and ordered the guy to do the dastardly deed. What kind of narco analysis is that !! At any rate, as more and more bodies get uncovered, the duo continue to add to the initial number they quoted. But that's the point - why do we care ? We have them. Everyone knows they did it. They themselves say so. Either lynch them or go through the whle nine yards and hang them. Please don't tell me at the end of this story that they walk away on a technicality or get something silly like 50 years in prison reduced to 10 years for good behaviour. The kids deserve justice. And India doesn't need this scum.


Of course, close on his heels is the newly developing story of the skeletons of 4 kids found bound and gagged in a Congress dude's godown in Punjab. I mean, seriously, what the hell is going on here ? In Mumbai, we have a serial killer running loose and leaving beer cans next to the victims he kills and , weirdly enough, what should be a high profile case is totally out of the public eye. Maybe that's part of the strategy - bait him with his over confidence / cockiness. But it begs the question - would this approach have been followed if it were a bunch of ministers' children being targeted ? I mean, last I heard, Mumbai was a big place with lots of hiding spots for Beercan Bunty to be hiding. Yet this wait and watch approach. Hopefully, I'll be proven wrong and they'll nab this guy before this article goes out. Hopefully. If not, I pray we have a "V for Vendetta"- esque (anti?) hero swoop down on us. God knows India needs one badly.


And it's not the just the literal skeletons in the cupboard that's left a bad taste. Down South again in Kerala, once more, faith is put to the test. A national news channel went to Sabarimala with the aim of tracking down the 'divine light of MakaraJyothi' ( the shining of a star in the evening of the day on which the Sun passes from the Equator to the South - the most auspicious moment in a year) , said to come every Jan 14th, I believe, visible to all devotees from afar. In years gone by, DoorDarshan and All India Radio have broadcast this event to rapt audiences and devout followers. And then came this story. The news team followed the trail to the spot where the light appeared to come from. They found signs of burnt camphor and kerosene. They also interviewed a former government officer in charge of the proceedings who admitted that the light was , in fact, made by them, detailing the procedure of how it was done. Non - Keralites will probably scratch their head wondering what's my point ? Well, you see, we've grown up 'believing' the light to be a divine miracle as part of Lord Ayyappa's blessings..that's why millions throng to SabariMala around this time of the year to see it. Now, you tell us it's a 'state sponsored deception' of our faith. And the counter argument from the leaders ..God !! What was that ? " You shouldn't ask such questions. We may be doing it, but it's people's faith. They believe. That's all that matters. You musn't question it." On national Tv, no less. What kind of a shit hole answer is that, you moron ?? Atleast do the normal 'Deny everything' routine properly!!! Suddenly all my fights with God seem so small when compared to this deception. But then again, I guess, it isn't all that shocking . Pity the millions who scurry there for their divine glimpse, though. No pillar so heavy as a crumblin' faith, me thinks.

Of course, the biggest travesty of justice still remains a mystery here in India. One for which no one has an answer.. not today, perhaps not ever. Once more, it has been proven that, in the end, name and fame can mask anything, even a slow killing poison. I'm speaking, of course, of the illusion that has left me stunned as 2006 ended - HOW THE HELL DID KABHI ALVIDA NA KEHNA ( @ 150 crore rupees ) BECOME THE ALL-TIME BIGGEST INTERNATIONAL HIT OF BOLLYWOOD ???
Are there no limits to this insanity and suffering we have to endure ?

Personally, I think 2007's started in a fashion similar to ol' mommy Britney.. just a tad too revealing for my tastes. Hopefully, they'l both sober down and settle into more subtle shades as January passes. Me, I have places to be, seats to fill and dots to darken . Somewhere, there's a Pg seat calling for me...I'm coming, honey.
Till we meet again, Godspeed.

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Unconditional Love

From Associated Press :

"Ana Julia Torres kisses Jupiter, an African lion she rescued malnourished from a circus six years ago, at her Villa Lorena animal shelter, in Cali, Colombia.
Ana Julia Torres is the owner of the 12-year-old shelter that rescues sick and mistreated animals from all over Colombia."

In an age where humans are busy killing kids and attacking each other, it's good to see that animals are atleast picking up our good qualities... Too bad the King isn't intelligent enough so that we can poison it's mind with hatred based on religion, culture, country. Or teach it about Weapons of Mass Destruction. Or to fear bearded men and beliefs different from our own.

Guess he'll just have to spend his life like this - " an inferior creature to us homo sapiens - the smart ones. "
A lion can feel the blood in our veins and differentiate between lunch and caregiver . It can learn respect and gratitude.
When did we stop ?

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You think You know me ?

We all, at some level or the other, suffer from OCD. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. That's my belief. Or atleast that's my justification for some of the stunts I pull. While the name is self-explanatory, the boundaries are not so well defined, I feel. Because it doesn't just stop at constantly checking to see if you locked the door or to keep washing your hands. It extends across a far larger realm, into areas of our lives we never considered. The superstitious beliefs we need to do for our own confidence, the song we just have to listen to to get pumped up..even the simple "touchwood" can become a contagious OCD, can't it ? And it's not a 'forever' symptom either, now. It may just be the need of the moment, a nagging feeling to just keep doing something, even though there seems to be no rationale or motivation.Of course, for me, presently, it's a far lesser compulsion...but an annoying one nonetheless. I keep wanting to modify my damn ORKUT PROFILE !!!! I want to add more crap to the already glowing tribute I'm giving myself. So I got around to thinking and I decided I'll just put down my actual profile here and be done with it once and for all. Atleast while the compulsion still exists.So,in all humbleness, here's the "DIRECTOR'S CUT" Orkut profile about me.

• Neo-scientists claim I am the reason gravity exists, that the Earth is not invaded by evil aliens and the chicken crossed the road too.
• I had, in my notebook, the True meaning of Life, the solution to global warming and God's plan for us all, but my dog ate my homework.
• Stephen Hawking, Gandalf the White and Anne Hathaway have me on speed dial.
• I am the President of a little known, but highly influential East European country.
• I have won "Who wants to be a Millionaire", "Survivor", "Roadies" and the online Ludo tournament - all in the same year.
• It was I who conned the Monk into selling his Ferrari and MOVED HIS CHEESE too while he was signing the release forms.
• World War 2 lasted so long because I was abducted by aliens from '38- '44 who tried, in vain, to extract my recipe for banana cheese cake.
• I have seen the Tooth fairy, the Vulcans, the Abominable Snowman, the Loch Ness Monster and George Bush's brain scan reports- yes, the last one is, indeed, a hoax.
• Anjelina Jolie wants to "ADD ME AS A FRIEND" in Orkut, but is scared the "truth will come out" and Brad wouldn't understand. Prick.
• I can kung fu a Shaolin master and marinate a white goose at the same time.
• I have done the salsa with 2 feet tied behind my back and given the Hulk a giant wedgie which turned him blue and bonny.
• In the North Pole, people dress up as me during Christmas while in Egypt, figurines portraying me being worshipped have been discovered during archaelogical excavations.
• Several paraphenomenon experts have tried, and failed, to decipher my unique aura.
• I taught Linda Goodman to read star signs, Hulk Hogan to tear his top, Kenny G to sax, salmons to swim upstream and Aishwarya Rai to act - it is true, you can't win them all.
• In my spare time, I practise neuro surgery on world leaders while adoring belly dancers applaud.On alternate Tuesdays, I teach the visually impaired how to navigate a plane or space shuttle using only a compass and a Bounty chocolate wrapper.
• Oprah Winfrey respects my views and frames my quotes on her nightstand.
• I get 74 different channels on my crystal ball, 133 when Pluto is properly aligned.
• My first childhood tricycle is used as a blueprint for the show "Pimp my ride."
• I have been implicated in the murders of many gun wielding terrorists, baby seal killers and pot bellied Indian politicians but charges have been dropped each and every time due to overwhelming public support and SMS campaigns.
• I taught the Chinese to use chop sticks, the Cubans to roll cigars and kangaroos to carry their kids in their pouches.
• Tigers fear my gaze, cheetahs slow down to let me pass and butterflies envy my dressing sense.
• My birthday is celebrated as a national holiday in India. It is.
• I predicted the fall of the Roman empire, the enlightenment of King Asoka and the success of Smirnoff twists.
• 4 week fairness Creams need only 2 weeks for maximal effect on my skin and just 1 week if I start on Wednesdays.
• I adviced DREAMWORKS to change the title of the movie from "Big Fat Green Bellied Ugly Man-thing" to "Shrek" to bring in the kids.
• Stephen King and Ayn Rand rummage through my diary for inspiration.
• Underwater creatures respond to my verbal command.
• I give my laundry to the same people as Spiderman, Margaret Thatcher, Sponge Bob and Puff Daddy. I get first preference and the better soap.
• I like to move it move it, I like to move it move it, I like to.... MOVE IT !!
• Darwin's footnotes speak of me as the most evolved state of mankind.
• I know the ending of the Harry Potter series. Two words : Hollow victory.
• I ghost-direct for Steven Speilberg, ghost-sing for Phil Collins, ghost-act for Sir Anthony Hopkins and was the Ghost of Christmas Past for Ebeneezer Scrooge.
• And, finally, Yes, Self-help and motivational books DO speak of the importance of being my friend in their 7-step "Quick Route to Nirvana & Enlightenment" scheme.

Whew!! It is such a relief to get that off my chest. They're right, you know. THE TRUTH DOES SET YOU FREE!! So much better than 25/M/INDIA.
P.S. While these are my own variations, I cannot deny that I was inspired by an absolutely lovely article called "THE WONDER YEARS" that I read more than half a decade ago which was the first story, I believe, in "Chicken Soup for the College Soul" ( I'm 80 % sure it was College soul. If anyone knows any different, feel free to correct me. Like I care. ).Anyway, if you get a chance, do read that article. Till then..well, don't you wanna attain Nirvana & Enlightenment ?

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